Untangling || On grief

I’ve been doing some cleaning and giving away some of which I own; online, offline and even internally on terms of emotions.

Ever since my rabbit died, I’ve been contemplating my relationships. I believe if you grieve for too long after a loved one had passed, there is a question to be asked there.

Usually, the reason is that there is some unfinished issue whether it’s being too late, or and conflict you weren’t able to to put to rest, etc… which brings room to a lot of regret and many what ifs.

I’m talking about a rabbit, so there is almost no room for such a thing, unless the case was that that I hadn’t be giving him any attention and he died suddenly on me, which I’m sure isn’t the case.

Another case of prolonged grief after a death is caused by not dealing with all the feelings and the changes when it happened, but rather move on as if nothing happened. Whether it’s because you don’t usually face your emotions by nature, or because there are other things that need more attention like work, other family members needing your help, etc…

I’ve gone through a similar thing when my beloved uncle, one of the three constant pillars in my life passed away in 2012. In the three day funeral, I spent my time focusing on my younger sister and of course my mother, who were in shock and real grief. It’s not the smartest thing to do, and I spent the whole rest of the year trying to come to terms with his death.

In my rabbit’s case who has been with me for the last 8 years, I gave myself all the time to be sad and cry my feelings out so I did come to terms with the sadness I’d felt then.

Now there’s emptiness that death leaves in the settings where the soul resided that can’t be overcome easily, small habits, daily routines and every annual event is a “first since they passed”.

But grief is different. The shift in your own axis and imbalance in your whole inner being is something you have to take notice of and ask why it’s happening.

I accept death. I’ve always prepared myself to his death to the point that every trip I had to go on, I’d ask my mother that in case he died, please take a photo of him for me where he passes, because “I don’t want to leave my room with him there and come back to its loud emptiness without learning the step in-between and see it with my own eyes”.

I was also granted by god the best possible “when and how” for him to pass. Throughout his life, I’ve seen him in so many intense situations; bloody, screaming, shaking, extremely fatigued to name a few. I also have seen rabbits dying before. I one had to sit with a dying small rabbit for 7 hours of him grasping for air before he passed. So I had enough experience with the worst which I would possibly face with Oreki, but it was a smooth sailing for him. It was quiet, short and overall very well timed with everything that’s happening outside in the world.

So, all the grief…

What’s that cause?

I explored that in the few weeks that followed.

Yes, I’ve been facing real trials since June of last year and my life hasn’t be easy since then, so it could be that Oreki was the cherry on top, but there is more to it, I believe.

That’s how I arrived to my relationships; friends and family.