I’m not strong enough to overcome my weaknesses and go out there to fight for you.
I’m not well equipped on my own to put us on the spotlight.
You have a lousy spokesperson.
I’m sorry, guys.
That I used you at times like I promised myself I’d never do, merely to please someone.
I drew you out of your comfort zone at times to satisfy one or two.
I shared your most treasured moments at times for my own gain or with people who were pursuing theirs.
I never meant to drag them in… too in that they ended up disrespecting you with imposed personalities outside of who you are, for reasons that are masked with love.
I never wanted you to be shoved on a dusty shelf, taken for granted or made invisible the way she did because I wanted to believe we two had the same view when it comes to you two.
I let her walk through all the barricades and chains, and I thought “we” when upon discussing it was “I”. I thought it mutual when to her it felt -in hindsight- of need for balance.
You were the daily but then become an afterthought. One that was taken as a thing that wouldn’t be lost.
That I needed.
That I fell in that trap of my faults and needs, dragging you with me in those.
When I walk down the road, alone, with only headphones in my ears. A road back home, or in a city of racism and alienation, you… are there.
Always have been.
Entertaining me with scenes and ideas.
My only happiness.
The one place, the only time I feel alive and I feel I’m an okay person who can survive and live on.
To the point I feel survivor’s guilt because what I feel, what I have with you… I doubt anyone will ever understand, few have experienced.
It’s like that everyday, and I’ve been for years, with that— with you blessed.
I’m not good enough for all that you deserve, and I jumped off the cliff hoping to be your wings but it’s been a downhill dive for so long.
We started as three and I feared having only that?
My axis shifted with the loss of 4 close people. I fought for them, coz I feared losing what I had.
But why fear being only three again?
It was fun and it brought people in. People came and people go. Got inspired, found their fix, made friendships, had their fill… then stayed, changed or left.
And we were always in the end. The three.
I’m sorry guys.
Did it feel that I hated to be alone with you like at the start? Like you’re not enough? When you’re way more than enough.
I’m sorry guys.
We were three.
And now we are three again.
Online or offline, recognized or not, appreciated or not,
We’ll always be.