This. Is exactly for me.

What kept me going my whole life has been this.

For the past few months, I’ve been thinking about my “success” or what the conventional idea of success mean, and depressing myself.

I said on a stream once how there’s the saying “when it rains it pours.” Which I wanna add to it that after it pours, you reach a point where you go voluntarily to stand under pouring water in the shower.

Everything is going bad and you kinda start adding to it yourself.

It came about when everything in my life changed suddenly, and when places I’ve found myself at completely vanished.

No matter how much I had to endure in a day, I had a door, my room door which I open to world of three loves. A rabbit, a friend and my most precious drawing desk.

All three that were flipped upside down, and I have an animal brain that freaks out over a simple change like adding one bottle of water in an animal’s usually clear path creates in them a mental frenzy then it starts walking cautiously to inspect the small object while raising all defenses.

So much has been happening and changing for 18 months, and with the approach of the 10th anniversary last November and finding that even the one thing I’m pouring my whole life into, isn’t reaching as far as I’m putting in, i just depressed myself over a thing I don’t even care for as my usual self;

Your common idea of success and recognition.

Not to mention with many new readers coming through Clippings, ones that checked the main story and said so many encouraging things about it, I started fearing that I’m keeping myself in an echo chamber.

It was either I believe all these people who I respect, my closest friends included, and the work I put it, but feel like I’m being dealt a bad hand, borderline entitlement.

Or I am thinking too much of my work and surrounding myself with people who support this idea when in fact the work is lacking big time.

Having put so much hope in Clippings to have it in the spotlight for 15 minutes then fading as well kinda pulled me down even more.

It’s been a string of disappointments and hardships with family situation, with a close friendship, with what turned out to be an inadequate support system, with a realization about the audience I’ve been interacting with, with business “opportunities” that I took, gave time to but was played or used by, with lack of accomplishments on a level that is seen by more than just me…

And my first reaction was to think; even my work isn’t amounting to anything.

When in reality I honestly dont care about how it’s viewed or rated or seen. I’m just doing it mindlessly out if love.

I didnt look at my work with that critical lens as a creation which I love, because creating is a a nature in me and isn’t a thing I think about or contemplate,

but the whole idea of putting it out there, is there any reason?

I’ve tolerated so much and went against so much in me for the sake of putting it out there, but is there seriously a point?

That’s how I started thinking by the end of last year.

Then I thought ;

don’t put it out and just create it for the love of it. Isnt that how it all started?

Yeah. I dont mind at all.

But does a work even survive without putting it out there?

Eventually it’ll feel like whats the point of putting it up on paper if Im not showing anyone.

I can sketch and write all day. Its my lifeline.

But Why would I line it. Color it. Present it clean and pretty if I’m the only one to see it.

I knew I’d get tired of it like the kid from home alone felt the loneliness without his family *after* he was done doing all the fun things he wanted to do without them around.

I’ll create happily. But when i put down the pen, who am I talking to?

Art is a language and language is for communication after all.

All this has just sparked after reading that quote.

I was and felt successful once when I did what I want without thinking of what I want.

I don’t feel successful now when I pushed myself to think about success.